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Jeff hutcheson

I ‘possibly’ snore.

I am not 100% convinced I do, but there’s only two of us living under this roof, so it’s been an uphill battle to prove my innocence. I’ve never snored so loud I’ve woken myself up but I’ve learned that’s not a good position to take when trying to defend yourself. ‘Apparently’ I have woken Heather up an odd time or two, at least according to her. I can’t remember.

What I can remember are all the little nudges waking me up in the middle of a sound sleep accompanied by the words “you’re snoring.” I mean, getting woken up all the time is beginning to take its toll as I try to get a good night’s rest. And what proof is there? Well, there is ‘possibly’ proof ... of something or other.

Heather is an early bird and gets up much sooner than me. She embraces and attacks the day, while I just sort of mosey my way on in later in the morning. On more than one occasion I have woken up to the sound of snoring coming from Heather’s phone. In a form of trickery, or something, she claims I was snoring so loud she couldn’t sleep and so she recorded me on her phone. Well, sorry. All I see is a completely dark screen. Admittedly, there is some sort of sound coming from it, but everybody these days knows how easily you can manipulate audio and video on your phone. So, let’s just say the jury is still out on that one.

Full disclosure: There is a daylight video of me snoring during a nap on a terrace while we were on vacation in Italy. However, we had just travelled 24 hours from door to door and everybody knows your sleep patterns are different in the daytime, especially when you’re sleep deprived. At least that’s what I’ve heard.

Anyway, a couple of months ago, there was a huge break in the case in my favour. Heather works, and I’m retired, so I generally head to bed much later than her on weeknights. On this occasion, as I always do, I quietly got into bed, checked the time, it was 11.46, and settled in. Then it happened. A little nudge, then “you’re snoring”. Except on this occasion I was wide awake, having just pulled the covers over my head seconds earlier. I quickly checked the time ... still 11:46. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Heather must be dreaming that I’m snoring. That’s it! That’s what is happening here. Hallelujah! It’s the only thing that makes sense.

So, just so you know, that hypothesis didn’t fly. Additionally I won’t be bringing it up again.

While I’m still not convinced, I decided to employ another tactic. I went out and bought a package of those Breathe Right strips. You place the flexible spring-like band over your nose. One side has an adhesive that gently holds your nostrils open as the band tries to spring back into place. Says right on the package it reduces snoring due to congestion. I bought the clear ones because I didn’t want Heather to know what I was doing. My plan was to apply a strip three or four consecutive nights, then ask her if she could hear snoring. I also didn’t want her to think I had a broken nose if she happened to catch a glimpse of me in the morning, so I avoided the bandage coloured ones.

Having something on your nose that isn’t normally there takes a bit of getting used to. You are lying there thinking you have something on your nose. I may not snore tonight, because I can’t get to sleep, with something on my nose. But it all worked out and after night four I went to Heather and said, “did you hear me snoring last night?” Well, the answer was “no” and I could hardly contain my glee ... then she finished ... “but I’ve been wearing earplugs this week.”

So, I guess we’ll never really know.

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